2008 Woodie Awards
Helen Keller: American Hero or Filthy Communist?
By: David Jonas
Issue date: 3/24/06 Section: Features
The life and times of Helen Keller have served as a source of inspiration for many throughout the world. But would people be so quick to level praise on a supposed role model if they knew the truth about her dark, dark legacy, one filled with hobogoblins, wizards, and Czars? Let us examine the facts closely in the hope that one day, the real Helen Keller will be exposed to the world:
Born in Tuscaloosa Alabama in 1880, Helen Keller, contrary to popular opinion, was not blind and deaf from birth. Much like autism or homosexuality, Keller developed her handicaps as the result of inner sin and an unclean soul.
Legend has it the Kellers visited Alexander Graham Bell in Washington DC for help concerning their daughter. Bell, inventor of the telephone and also an expert in educating deaf children, made several offensive jokes about how Helen could have simply phoned instead of traveling such a far distance. Bell proceeded to laugh and laugh and laugh, allowing him to take credit as the inventor of the 'Helen Keller' joke as well.
At age six, Helen met Anne Sullivan, a plucky young educator hell-bent on teaching the “spoiled brat” (her words) some manners. Oh, and sign langauge.
Sullivan asked the Kellers if she could isolate Helen in the family garden house down the road, but only after a long carriage ride intended to make Helen think she was far away from home, which if you think about it, is an incredibly cruel trick to play on a blind and deaf child.
After two weeks of little progress, Sullivan led Keller down to a water pump, and attempted to drown the little girl in a fit of frustration. Luckily, this taught Keller the word for “water,” which today is still articulated in sign language by clutching one's neck, struggling to breathe.
The rest, they say, is history. Keller went onto Radcliffe College where she graduated with honors in 1904. In her time there, she learned several languages, including Latin, making her the first blind and deaf woman to waste a lot of time learning a useless, dead language.
Born in Tuscaloosa Alabama in 1880, Helen Keller, contrary to popular opinion, was not blind and deaf from birth. Much like autism or homosexuality, Keller developed her handicaps as the result of inner sin and an unclean soul.
Legend has it the Kellers visited Alexander Graham Bell in Washington DC for help concerning their daughter. Bell, inventor of the telephone and also an expert in educating deaf children, made several offensive jokes about how Helen could have simply phoned instead of traveling such a far distance. Bell proceeded to laugh and laugh and laugh, allowing him to take credit as the inventor of the 'Helen Keller' joke as well.
At age six, Helen met Anne Sullivan, a plucky young educator hell-bent on teaching the “spoiled brat” (her words) some manners. Oh, and sign langauge.
Sullivan asked the Kellers if she could isolate Helen in the family garden house down the road, but only after a long carriage ride intended to make Helen think she was far away from home, which if you think about it, is an incredibly cruel trick to play on a blind and deaf child.
After two weeks of little progress, Sullivan led Keller down to a water pump, and attempted to drown the little girl in a fit of frustration. Luckily, this taught Keller the word for “water,” which today is still articulated in sign language by clutching one's neck, struggling to breathe.
The rest, they say, is history. Keller went onto Radcliffe College where she graduated with honors in 1904. In her time there, she learned several languages, including Latin, making her the first blind and deaf woman to waste a lot of time learning a useless, dead language.
Viewing Comments 1 - 3 of 5
Deb
posted 2/20/08 @ 7:56 PM CST
What an incredibly stupid article. It's half truths and poor writing confuse me as to if it's supposed to be serious or humorous. Can't be serious because it obviously isn't backed up by any source (yes, she was a socialist, but beyond that. (Continued…)
Mac Weekly Alum
posted 2/23/08 @ 11:15 PM CST
Obviously it's satire. David Jonas wrote a series of articles a few years ago that were always absurd, often offensive and sometimes funny. I mean, don't tell me you didn't laugh at the part about Latin, at least. (Continued…)
Roxy
posted 9/26/08 @ 4:35 PM CST
LOOK AT ME! I'm a liberal left-wing socialist!!!
I love equality and independence and free health care!!!
Hahah, I'm just going to assume this is a joke. (Continued…)
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