2008 Woodie Awards
David Jonas plays Homewrecker
By: David Jonas
Issue date: 3/31/06 Section: Features
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As we seniors drag our collective knuckles towards graduation, we are forced to wrap up the loose ends of our collegiate lives. The Honor Projects must be completed, the major requirements must be fulfilled, and the incriminating photos on Facebook must be erased before future employers see them.
One particularly stressful aspect of senior departure is that of the relationship. You love this person dearly and appreciate the unfathomable heights of ecstasy they bring to your genitals, but sadly, you're heading for Bangladesh to study international banking, while he/she is headed to Canada to save those dumb, dumb beavers.
So what to do? Prove that love exists and remain together while separated by an entire ocean? Or should you cherish the last moments of a glorious union with the knowledge that it is better to have loved than never at all?
The answer, dear friends, is NEITHER! Drop that sorry sack of organs and bones you call a significant other and get to fornicating!
Just think about it! You only have six weeks left to be a college student! OH GOD, THIS COULD BE YOUR ONLY CHANCE TO NAIL SOMEONE HOT! JESUS-HELL! THERE ARE LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE TO DO!
DON'T YOU WANT TO HARPOON THE SALTY GERMAN?! TO ENVELOP THE FLESH BATON?! TO ORGIFY THE STUDENT BODY IN AN ORGY-LIKE ORGY OF--
Whew! Got a little too excited there. No use wasting bodily fluids on myself when there are so many other people to do it on!
Many of you in relationships are probably scoffing at my proposal right now. Scoff scoff. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Scoffington, I dare ask, is your relationship really that well off? Do you never fantasize about breaking up with your special man/woman/transsexual and using your emotional distress to seduce that same man/woman/transsexual's much hotter friend?
The fact is you're in a relationship only because you have no excuse not to be. In a recent study of Minnesota college students in monogamous relationships, 78 percent of those surveyed reported that they've considered cheating on their partner, 85 percent said they'd tried to break up with their partners at least once, and a whopping 97 percent said they would, if convinced they could get away with it, murder their partners, cash in their life insurance, and use it to attract someone more attractive.
One particularly stressful aspect of senior departure is that of the relationship. You love this person dearly and appreciate the unfathomable heights of ecstasy they bring to your genitals, but sadly, you're heading for Bangladesh to study international banking, while he/she is headed to Canada to save those dumb, dumb beavers.
So what to do? Prove that love exists and remain together while separated by an entire ocean? Or should you cherish the last moments of a glorious union with the knowledge that it is better to have loved than never at all?
The answer, dear friends, is NEITHER! Drop that sorry sack of organs and bones you call a significant other and get to fornicating!
Just think about it! You only have six weeks left to be a college student! OH GOD, THIS COULD BE YOUR ONLY CHANCE TO NAIL SOMEONE HOT! JESUS-HELL! THERE ARE LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE TO DO!
DON'T YOU WANT TO HARPOON THE SALTY GERMAN?! TO ENVELOP THE FLESH BATON?! TO ORGIFY THE STUDENT BODY IN AN ORGY-LIKE ORGY OF--
Whew! Got a little too excited there. No use wasting bodily fluids on myself when there are so many other people to do it on!
Many of you in relationships are probably scoffing at my proposal right now. Scoff scoff. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Scoffington, I dare ask, is your relationship really that well off? Do you never fantasize about breaking up with your special man/woman/transsexual and using your emotional distress to seduce that same man/woman/transsexual's much hotter friend?
The fact is you're in a relationship only because you have no excuse not to be. In a recent study of Minnesota college students in monogamous relationships, 78 percent of those surveyed reported that they've considered cheating on their partner, 85 percent said they'd tried to break up with their partners at least once, and a whopping 97 percent said they would, if convinced they could get away with it, murder their partners, cash in their life insurance, and use it to attract someone more attractive.
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