2008 Woodie Awards
Love Cholesteroscopes
Did you know your cholesterol level says a lot about you? More importantly, did you know it says a lot about your potential lifemate? Check out these three cholesterol characterizations to see if you're making the right decisions now, and learn how you ca
By: Katherine Tylevich
Issue date: 4/21/06 Section: Features
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Love has often been compared to a four-course meal, but your order is always getting mixed up in the kitchen. Just last week, you asked for stability and respect, but all you got was another lonely evening watching Home Improvement and fondling yourself. What gives? Ever wonder why romance isn't looking in your direction? Maybe it's because you're not linking arms with compatible partners! Did you know your cholesterol level says a lot about you? More importantly, did you know it says a lot about your potential lifemate? Check out these three cholesterol characterizations to see if you're making the right decisions now, and learn how you can make the right decisions in the future! Bon appétit!
Cholesterol Level:
Low
Less than 200 mg/dL
At first glance, it may look like this C27H45OH combo is a regular Johnny Do Good or Janey Ne'er Do Bad. “Low cholesterol” spells anal-retentive, hyper-health conscious, bore-in-the- bedroom type, right? Wrong! Not everything they say about people with low cholesterol is true. Let stereotypes guide your decisions and watch this cute catch slip through your fingers (and not because he or she is so thin, either. That's just another myth we're here to debunk)! Take a closer look at this low-scorin' sweetie, and you're bound to be pleasantly surprised, because surprises are what lowies are all about. “I have phenomenal mg/dl ratios,” this shy stud or studess whispers to you on the first date, but by date two, he or she's screaming: “but my thyroid levels are sky rocketing!” Lowies are like the boy next door who turns out to be a handsome drug trafficker, or the nerdy girl in your class who suddenly takes off her glasses, lets down her hair and—lo and behold—she's Big Tits Terry from your favorite pornographic videotape! Alluring, to say the least. Lowies always throw you for a loop. Go ahead, judge a book by the steroid-alcohol found in the tissue of its cover. If you want to miss out on the dating and mating of a lifetime, that is. Open that book up, and you'll be all: “I never would have guessed you like washing down cheeseburgers with raw egg yolks and buttered popcorn!” Yeah! And you thought lowies worked hard for their low digits? They're just naturally lucky! Here's an idea: first date at the casino. Don't be pulling an indecent proposal on us, though. “I'll pay you one million dollars to sleep with your unclogged-arteried wife.” Don't do it, Woody. You can't buy low cholesterol.
Cholesterol Level:
Low
Less than 200 mg/dL
At first glance, it may look like this C27H45OH combo is a regular Johnny Do Good or Janey Ne'er Do Bad. “Low cholesterol” spells anal-retentive, hyper-health conscious, bore-in-the- bedroom type, right? Wrong! Not everything they say about people with low cholesterol is true. Let stereotypes guide your decisions and watch this cute catch slip through your fingers (and not because he or she is so thin, either. That's just another myth we're here to debunk)! Take a closer look at this low-scorin' sweetie, and you're bound to be pleasantly surprised, because surprises are what lowies are all about. “I have phenomenal mg/dl ratios,” this shy stud or studess whispers to you on the first date, but by date two, he or she's screaming: “but my thyroid levels are sky rocketing!” Lowies are like the boy next door who turns out to be a handsome drug trafficker, or the nerdy girl in your class who suddenly takes off her glasses, lets down her hair and—lo and behold—she's Big Tits Terry from your favorite pornographic videotape! Alluring, to say the least. Lowies always throw you for a loop. Go ahead, judge a book by the steroid-alcohol found in the tissue of its cover. If you want to miss out on the dating and mating of a lifetime, that is. Open that book up, and you'll be all: “I never would have guessed you like washing down cheeseburgers with raw egg yolks and buttered popcorn!” Yeah! And you thought lowies worked hard for their low digits? They're just naturally lucky! Here's an idea: first date at the casino. Don't be pulling an indecent proposal on us, though. “I'll pay you one million dollars to sleep with your unclogged-arteried wife.” Don't do it, Woody. You can't buy low cholesterol.
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